What's Wrong with Me?

Take a few moments to do this exercise. It could make a huge difference in your relationships (present and future)

It seems like almost everybody is looking for that perfect mate.Some are fortunate to find that person and others have given up the search all together. Others are even satisfied with being alone.

However, I’ve noticed that when you ask someone about the kind of person their looking for (be it for a long-term relationship or even as a friend), most people are not at a lost for words. The same could be said when you ask someone why he or she would be a good partner, wife, husband, or friend for someone else.

But how many people have ever stopped to ask themselves why someone would not be interested in them? Now I’m not trying to rain on your parade or make you feel bad about yourself, but let me let you in on a little secret:

No one has a problem dealing with your good qualities!

Your good qualities are the reasons they were attracted to you in the first place. However, the reason why most relationships end in heartbreak is because the two involved are having problems dealing with the other person’s bad qualities. That could include anything from poor communication skills to a quick temper.

Imagine if someone would pay you a million dollas for every true reason you could give on why someone would not want to be in a relationship with you. How many things do you think you could you come up with? Take a moment to think about this, and write down as many answers as you can. Remember, you get a million dollars for each true response.

Why is this such a good exercise? Other than the fact that a good relationship is really based on two people who can put up with each other’s bad habits, we need to go into our relationships with our eyes wide open instead of wearing blinders. We all have bad habits, attitudes (sometimes), and other less-than-attractive features about ourselves that, if we were honest with ourselves, could possibly prepare our friends and mates for the worst. These bad qualities are what ruin a relationship, not the good ones. And these qualities are the ones we need to work on before we consider being part of a couple. A friend once told me that in order to be "successfully married," you must first be "successfully single."

It’s true that the big things do not ruin a relationship, but rather the little ones -- those little annoying habits we tend to conveniently overlook, until someone else spots them for us. But if we can admit our little flaws (in the beginning), then we can prepare to deal with them; this is the first step to building a lasting relationship.

Trust me, even if you hide your bad qualities, eventually, the other person will find out. However, if you warn your friend, partner or significant other beforehand, you will not only reduce your personal stress level, but your relationship will be prepared to deal with the tough spots. Just think about it.

WAYS TO MAINTAIN/HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Don't be totally consumed by each other: You don't have to spend every single second with your significant other.

Show each other how much you care about each other, and make it obvious: Guys cannot take a hint, but guys have to be direct with girls so that there are no misunderstandings.

Communication (this one is vital): This is vital for healthy relationships. If there is a misunderstanding or miscommunication, handle the situation with care because it can easily turn into a huge fight.

Let your yes be yes: When you say you're going to do something together stick to it (unless there is a terrible situation that is occurring). Do not make plans and then disappoint your significant other, it's a recipe for fights.

Guys should treat the girl: It is a sign of the male's appreciation towards the female, so even if the female likes to go Dutch insist on paying for her food (this might even impress her more). This is what proves to the female that she is more important to him than any other girl.

Give each other space: If the significant other wants to be alone let them, if you try to approach they may actually try to pull away (unless it is obvious that they need to talk to someone).
Treat each other with respect- this means that guys appreciate the girl for who she is and not what she looks like, and girls don't gossip about every little thing the guy does wrong. This also means that you should not try to embarrass your significant other in front of other people.

Talk about common interests: If the girl is not comfortable with bodily functions, then guys should not talk about bodily functions. Talk about things that appeal to the both of you.

Get in a couple of debates: I do not mean fights. See what the other person believes about certain issues. This can help you if you are in a serious relationship because, for example, you both disagree and a large issue, such as abortion, it may cause several difficulties if married.

Be affectionate: I do not mean go all out. I mean give hugs and simple means of affection. Emotional support is a huge help, and it help with communication as well. Give compliments often.

Help each other: For example, if your significant other had a long day at work and you had plenty of free time you could cook them dinner.
Be there for each other (mainly talking to men): This sort of runs hand-in-hand with “let your yes be yes,” but this time I mean that if your significant other has numerous events they are in (like a piano recitals or fashion shows) it means a lot to them if you come to the event, but it mean even more if you come to all the events (if there are multiple ones).

Notice small things (for women): Watch how the male treats his mother, this could be a sign of how he may treat you if anything permanent turns out. (for men) watch how the female responds to certain situations and take notice of what she is sensitive towards.

As time goes on, gifts build up: When you first start dating it is nice to give a little gift now and then. Give a little something for Christmas and their birthday. But the more time you are together the nicer the gifts become. Both of you may have to establish when to give gifts (which helps with communication). The male should give the nicer gift, once again, to show how much he appreciates the female.

Come up with fun, cheap dates: Finances can lead to a few minor complications. A way to have fun with each other is to put your minds together and come up with fun creative dates you would both enjoy. This helps with communication as well, because if one of the two does not want to do something they need to speak up.

Introduce: If anything permanent happens (like marriage) it is very important the male is friends with all the female's friends, and visa versa. This will prevent a lot of gossip and conflicts.
Grow together: This is by far the biggest point. Each couple should grow together spiritually. What keeps a marriage intact is when two people grow in Christ together, this is because they learn to forgive each other and they don't keep track of the wrong doings of the other.

CREATING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Whole Heart Path to Creating a Healthy Relationship
Whether you are married or not, in a relationship or not, this column is for you. Creating healthy relationships begins with you creating a healthy relationship with yourself. Perhaps you've heard the expression, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." In other words, be the kind of person you want to be with. Some of you may be thinking, "I'm already in a relationship and it's not with the person I necessarily want to be with. I would strongly recommend that you work on yourself to become the person you would like to be in a relationship with. After all, you can only change yourself. You can't change another person. If you are truly working on becoming the person you want be, living from your whole heart, your partner will either step up, or you will fall away.

We come together to cause one another to grow. We are all mirrors to each other. So it’s possible that as you grow into the person you want to be, your partner will also grow and change. Unfortunately, you can’t really be attached to that. You have to change for you and not for the other person. They may choose not to change. So here’s the challenge. It’s scary to start to change when you’re in a relationship because, well, what if the other person doesn’t want to change. We stay in our unhappy, lonely relationships because it’s familiar, safe and comfortable. We’re miserable but we don’t want to grow because we don’t know if our partner will grow with us.

The other side of the coin is that if you don’t change, you will never know if your partner would have stepped up to meet you. I think you have to get to a place of total surrender. When you would rather be single for the rest of your life than be in an unacceptable relationship, you will have an incredible amount of clarity and you will be willing to make the changes you need to make in your own life. The other person will either be inspired to grow to meet you or it will be obvious that it is over. Even if it ends, you have learned what you needed to learn with that person and now you can move on to attract the kind of relationship you have been wanting.

HOW TO WIN SOMEONES HEART

The Battle You Can’t Win
For some reason, my mother has this unrelenting desire to stuff me with food. Growing up, there are always requests to “eat more”. When I leave home, there’ll always be packages of food stuffed away in my luggage somewhere. Whenever I receive a present, half the package is guaranteed to be some sort of food. When she comes to visit, the cupboards are definitely fuller after she leaves than before she arrived. And it seems like no matter what I do, I can’t stop it!
I’ve tried firmly stating that I don’t want it, but it just keeps coming. I’ve tried telling her that sending despite my objections shows me disrespect, but it keeps coming. I’ve even tried throwing the food out in front of her when she came to visit to set some boundaries, but they somehow reappeared in my home after she left.
There seems to be an entire books of tactics that she has to get food to me! When you’re little, it’s “just one more bite and you can stop”! However, there is inevitably another bite after it. Having learned quickly from such mistakes, that particular one no longer works. My mother has since then resorted to other strategies though. When I’m not looking, she would secretly stuff food into my luggage and/or drawers. When I tell her not to send me food since I can buy my own, she somehow gets hold of food that I can’t easily purchase, from like a little town in China or something and sends it to me. When I tell her not to send food just because I don’t like it, she insists that it’s necessary as a packing material for my other items. No matter what I do, the food just keeps coming!
Interestingly enough, the girl I am in love with has the same issue with her mom. It’s scary to think what would happen if we got married. Each of our moms would think that two people would require twice the amount of food, so we would receive FOUR times as much food! And since there seems to be some unwritten rule that says you’re not supposed throw perfectly good food, I can already see the huge piles of food in the kitchen.
At some point, you realize that this chain of food is never going to stop coming, no matter what you do. For any solution you come up with to block the food, they will find some way around it. Our moms would never give that up, no matter what we do!
This has some very interesting implications. First, it means that we can’t win! No matter what we do, they will always send food to us. The best we can do is tie, perhaps by always sending the food back.
However, if you think about it, this life long fight isn’t really worth it. After all, the food is pretty good sometimes

A Battle Of The Wills
The story above is an excellent example of how thought creates reality. Our mothers wanted to express their love by sending food to us and that is exactly what it became, despite a decade or two of resistance. Because they have absolutely no intention of giving up no matter what we did, they put themselves in a position where they cannot lose. Winning someone’s heart is no different in the application of this principle.
In a way, winning someone’s heart is a battle of your will to be with them vs. that person’s will to not want to be with you, just like the food situation above is a battle of my will to not get food from my mom vs. my mom’s will to express love through sending food. As long as she intends on sending more food, there is nothing I can do to “win”. Similarly, if you always express that you care for that person and do everything in your power to express that care, there is really nothing they can do to “win” either.
Let’s examine the two parts of this “battle” more closely.
Your Will To Be With Them
First, make sure that your will be with the person is genuine. Let’s say you want to win the heart of your friend. Is he/she really very important to you? Can you see your life without him/her? How badly do you want his/her loyalty and trust? Why? The key here is to access just how strong your motivation is.
For example, if your motivation is only to get some attention, that might be a strong temporary motivation. However, after a while, if you don’t get any attention from your friend, then you might start seeking it elsewhere. When this happens, it would be obvious to your friend that your desire to be with him/her isn’t really a genuine long term thing. Even if you do manage to gain his/her trust, it’ll go away as he/she realize that your care is fake. What you care about in this case isn’t him/her, but the attention that he/she gives you.
It is very important that your desire to be with that someone stems from respect, admiration, and love for that person. That is the only way he/she will feel genuine care. For example, if my mom was only interested in something superficial like getting attention, I would have no problem simply throwing the stuff she send to me out, or maybe even get a court order to get her to stop. However, because she genuinely cares about me, I know each little package of food is a piece of her heart and she really wants me to have something unique to eat.
These positive motives have several very important advantages:
Every time you express your care for the other person, you get a feeling of satisfaction. Because you actually care about that person enough to want them to be happy, increasing their happiness makes you happier as well. You’ll feel no regrets at sending your gifts and not getting a response. You won’t be angry at the other person for not giving you what you want in return. In other words, your care is not conditional!
Your care will always come across as genuine. Because your gifts have no strings attached to them, you won’t hold a grudge. In the long run, this will show through in your actions so that you would not feel manipulative to the other person. In the “getting attention” example above, you might become pushier and pushier as you don’t get what you want. The other person would start to feel this neediness and wonder what you want from them so badly. Whereas respecting that person would be more along the lines of “Here’s something to help you, don’t trouble yourself to respond”.
Only a positive view on someone else would really give you enough motivation to care about them for the long term. If you don’t actually respect or admire a person, then why would you even want to be near him/her? The only conclusion is that you want something, which means your motivation isn’t genuine care, but something else. This’ll make you go away fairly quickly if the person doesn’t give you what you want as you have no other reason to be around him/her. However, if you actually respect and admire the person, then you would be glad to be around, regardless of the circumstances.

Their Will To Be Apart From You
After you’ve established that you really, truly want to be with that person because you respect and admire him/her, you have already “won” in a sense. You’ve gone into my mother’s caring and supportive role, always offering your care no matter what the other person does. Because you will keep trying forever, you can’t “fail”. Any “failure” would be just be a temporary thing on your road to success.
However, that doesn’t mean you’ll gain that person’s trust and loyalty - they can “fight” you forever.
For example, my mother’s constant stream of food was annoying to me for a long time. Every time she sent it, I felt like I wasn’t respected and the “gift” lost all sense of the spirit of care for which its intended. By forcing it on me, each “gift” felt like another insult. The gift was more to satisfy her need so it brought into question what her true motivations for sending them to me were.
Therefore, it is important to express your care in ways that the other person understands and appreciates. You need to offer him/her something of value, as perceived by that person, not by you! In the example of the food, it was perceived as an insult for many years, and did a lot of harm in that regard. Had my mom sent me something of sentimental value that showed she understood me, it would have been of much greater value. You want to make it easy for the other person to be with you.
This is not to say that the continual stream of food was a bad thing. There is a good part - it showed that my mother cared about me. That in itself is of value as it gives you the sense that the person has your best interest at heart. If all you want to do is help, but ask for nothing in return, who can refuse an offer like that?
Some Cautions
While the above portrays this process as a “battle” of the wills, remember that the other person is not your enemy. What’s actually happening is that you are trying to express to the other person that you respect, admire, and care for him/her. If you interpreted this as forcing the other person on a consistent basis, that is very very wrong! I don’t want any stalkers or more moms sending me food on a regular basis!!!
The idea here is to offer the other person something of value, without encroaching on his/her freedoms or time. From time to time, you’re saying, “here’s something I thought you might want, feel free have it or not have it”. If you keep offering things that the other person wants but ask for nothing in return, why wouldn’t they want to be with you?
If that person continually rejects your offers, then take a hint that this is not something he/she wants. A big part of your will is to keep trying to find something despite these failures, because you feel that gaining this person’s trust and loyalty is worth the effort. Be very careful that you are not trying the same thing over and over again, especially if it bothers or angers the other person.
Remember that you are trying to continuously offer something the other person wants and to be open and honest with them, not trying to force that person to like what you’re giving!
Also, make sure that you actually do like doing the giving! If you truly feel the other person is worth the effort, then the giving should feel satisfying and sincere. Otherwise, you’re just entering into a very one sided relationship that is not in your favor! Just remember, give because you want to, not because you want something in return!

Some Conclusions
In the key to a healthy relationship, we know that relationships are formed based on a mutual exchange of value. You may be wondering just exactly what kind of value you receive when you offer unconditional care. After all, it seems to be a lot of giving, and not getting much back right? Well, what you’re going for is the foundations of a strong relationship by building an atmosphere of trust. Because you respect and admire this person, you know that they are capable of providing a lot of value. You keep trying because you feel that the possibility of having this other person in your life is worth the effort.
Additionally, from the bigger perspective, we’re only here for like 90 years. A rare connection with someone is a rewarding experience on its own.
Winning someone’s heart does not mean you’ll necessarily be together or do things together though. Its sole purpose is to convey to the other person that you care about them, which establishes an atmosphere of trust. Circumstances may still make it so that your lives don’t intertwine, so that’s all the more reason to make sure you actually enjoy the process!

KEYS TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

This article will focus on how you can expand these common interests, without damaging your current relationship irreversibly.
To start, I’ll use my relationship with my mom as an example. When I was little, my mom supported me and allowed me to grow, but she never really understood me all that well (and I would have to assume the reverse is true as well). Here, our common interests are the welfare of each other and the memories of the experiences we’ve had together. Therefore, when we reminisce about the past, or buy each other gifts, things are always great. However, beyond that, we had radically different viewpoints on a variety of subjects. For example, my mom is much more conservative with money, while I am much more liberal and aggressive in investing it. This caused us to fight a lot when I was growing up. Every couple of weeks, we’d have a big fight about something.
Yet, sitting here today typing this article, we are still mother and son. There are no hurt feelings between us and our relationship is better than it has ever been. So how can that be? Well, we had the policy of going to bed and then waking up forgetting everything that has happened. A lot of times, the fights were over unimportant things, just like in the previous article. Therefore, after we wake up, there’s really nothing to argue over, so we would just let the feelings fade away, and continue on. Of course, some of them were important issues, and they would resurface later, or we would resolve them.
The main point here is that after we get into the areas where we have severe disagreements, we always had a way to back out - just sleep on it and forget it. As long as the issue isn’t one that requires immediate action, this should be an effective way of just resetting it back to the way it was.
Of course, this depends on both people being able to let go. What if the other person decides to stay angry at you? Well, I’ll use another story for this.
When I was in high school, my mother rented a basement from our landlord. Unfortunately, one of those days, I got into a very large argument with her son, and the two families were no longer on speaking terms. Yet, once again, the fight was about trivial issues, which can be dropped. My mom, knowing this, made some food and brought it up to our landlord. The landlord was still extremely angry though. Every time I came home, I would see her working in the garden, and would have to ignore her.
Fortunately, my mother was more experienced in relationship matters, and told me to smile and say “Hi” every time no matter what her reaction was. A couple weeks later, the whole thing blew over. Today, my mother and the landlord are still good friends, as am I and her son.
The thing to take away here is that even if the other person stays angry, we have to remain calm. Afterall, it takes two people to have a fight, so if we just back out, then there would be no fight. The angry feelings would go away eventually, and it’s what happens after that which matters. However, that point only occurs some time in the future, so we need to not make things worse until that point in time. By saying “Hi” to the landlord every time I passed her, I was telling her indirectly that I would prefer a happier relationship between us and she’s welcome to speak to me happily at any time.
The key here is to keep things open. Let the other person know that you are open to returning to the happier relationship you had before the disagreement. Afterall, who wants to be angry rather than happy? Make it easier for the other person to be happy with you than to stay mad at you.
Before long, things will be back to normal, and you’ll have discovered an area where the two of you should probably avoid in the future (assuming it’s not terribly important).

13 KEYS TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP IN MARRIAGE

1. Always try to be attentive to your wife in front of friends. Do not ignore her.

2. Always show affection to her in public.

3. Try not to force to be involved with you sexually when you two are not in agreement.

4. Write her a letter occassional or call her on phone telling her how much you love yer.

5. Give her suprises, do not procrastinate.

6. Be gentle and constructive when telling her/his weaknesses.

7. Be playful sometimes. Do not keep resentment, being unforgiving.

8. Explore your wife's mind, body and soul. Do not hinder her personal growth.

9. Always try to appreciate her opinion.

10. Never be suspicious and distructing to your wife.

11. Make her your best friend.

12. Apologize when you are wrong. Remember 'I' M SORRY' is a medicine that heals faster than gifts.

13. Share your taughts, feelings, fears and concern.

Strengthening Your Relationship

"How Do We Rate?"

Lets take this exercise;

Ask your mate, "On a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), what kind of relationship would you want for us?"

Now, anyone in their right mind should say they want a 9 or a 10. If your mate says anything less than that, it might be time for you to find another mate. This person has some real issues.
Then ask your mate, "On a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), where is our relationship right now?"

For some reason, men seem to rate their relationships one or two points higher than their mates do. I can't explain it, but it happens. The important thing here is that whatever your mate says, don't argue with him or her. Don't question their response, just accept it. This is only their perception of reality, not actual reality.

Next ask your mate, "What do you think we can do to move it closer to a 10?"
This is a very critical step. Make sure you listen very closely to his or her response. The key word is "we," not "you" or "I." You're both in this together. What can the both of you do to improve your relationship?

Make a commitment to each other that you will do whatever it takes to move your relationship closer to a 10.

I must admit that I've tried this exercise on my wife, when we were just dating in college, and it worked brilliantly. However I can't say that it will work for everybody. In order to have a strong relationship, you must have two people committed to change and growth. If one is giving and the other is only taking, the one who's giving will eventually have nothing left to give.

If the both of you are really committed to your relationship, I can almost guarantee this exercise will work for you. Best of luck.

Look forward to much more information on this topic from me. We'll be bringing you information, ideas, and strategies from some of the world's leading experts and authorities in this field and many others. I believe that experience may be a good teacher, but other people's experience is a better teacher.

Samson A. (Relationship Guidemaster)